Maybe Someday
by Eddifer
Summary: Everyone's chasing after something, whether it's a dream or a person. Luke Snyder is running from an inescapable past to a brighter future. Noah Mayer has been stuck on Luke since he left.
1. Chapter 1

_"Well I've been running from something, twenty years in my car. Down a road that's leading me nowhere...Do you want to see the place where I was free? Cause in my mind I need it, but you're nowhere near to me..."__  
_  
_  
__He was crying, and there was no way to stop it. No way to stop the tears that ran down his face; no way to stop the gasping sobs that escaped his throat. Strong hands held his arms tightly, squeezing until he thought they would break. If he was lucky, maybe they would, and his blood would drench them, all of them, and stain them forever. The same way he was stained.___

_There was no way to clean this, was there? No way to clean himself. But if he survived this, if he somehow escaped this hell, then he would try. He would scrub himself until his body turned red and his eyes burned from soap. And then he would look in the mirror with pride. ___

_But as fingers pulled his shirt up, revealing his pale skin, he knew that even after he cleaned himself, no matter how long he scrubbed, he would still be tainted. And he might never be clean again. But these people above him, surrounding him, they had been born dirty, and that was what separated him from them. He was better and stronger than them, because no matter what, they wouldn't break him. They couldn't, and no matter how tainted and destroyed he became, he would remain strong.___

_With a deep breath, he closed his eyes tight. In his mind, he imagined himself rising out of his body, laughing maniacally; his neck thrown back as he watched from above. ___

_Who's weak now? Who's weak _**_now_**_…?_

"Mark…" a voice softly whispered.

Luke blinked, dragged out of the dark corners of his mind. He looked up, finding himself staring at a shirtless man. He immediately panicked, wondering where he was, but with a quick scan he realized he was in this man's roomy car, spread out on the backseat.

With this understanding, the nights events came rushing back at him. He'd gone to a gay bar in hopes of getting drunk, and maybe even losing himself. For tonight, he had wanted to be anyone but Luke Snyder, and because of that, Luke Snyder had instantaneously became Just Mark.

Just Mark scarcely recalled dancing with a stranger. That dancing had escalated to intense kissing, tongues swirling together, and a hand shoved indiscreetly down his pants. He'd given this stranger a lap dance too, while hands groped at his ass. This was when things had lost all control. Those hands had pressed tight against him, snaking to the creak of his ass and sliding down until they touched Luke's hole. Luke had moaned desperately, and somehow, he had ended up in the bathroom, pressed against a stall; someone slamming into him repeatedly. He remembered sliding to the floor, and strong arms lifting him up until he felt like he was flying. Maybe it was around that time he had passed out. Maybe he had overdone it, and this man had been kind enough to take care of him, even bothering to check his body for…for…scars?

Or maybe, the man just wanted Mark for one night: tonight.

The man's fingers reached for him, and Luke instinctively flinched. The man straightened, and then leaned down until his lips brushed Luke's.

"It's alright, baby…" the man whispered while his fingers crept down Luke's chest, sliding until they touched Luke's jeans. His pants and shirt were quickly unbuttoned and removed, the man carelessly tossing them aside. Luke immediately covered his crotch, a deep blush warming his face. The man chuckled heartily.

"Baby, it's fine. I've seen all of you already…" His hands gently removed Luke's, lifting them to his lips. He kissed them once, twice, three times. "Let me see you _here_, where no one else can see." He leaned down again, licking his way up from Luke's stomach. He paused at Luke's neck, covering the area with miniscule bites and kisses. His fingers slid down again, tugging at Luke's underwear.

Luke gasped, and began thrashing wildly, hoping to escape the man's hold. He still felt slightly dizzy and weak from the alcohol, and he was having trouble concentrating. But despite all that, he needed more than anything to escape.

"Hey…cut it out, will ya?" The man held Luke tighter and pushed him down again, his lips molding over Luke's. When he pulled away, he let out a low grunt. "Don't forget who took care of you tonight. If it weren't for me…" he paused, and his fingers grabbed at Luke's ass. "If it weren't for me, this would probably be broken by now."

He kissed Luke again; forcing his tongue through Luke's closed mouth. And Luke felt his energy draining. The man slid Luke's underwear off and his fingers slid between Luke's cheeks. Luke began shaking involuntarily, and tears formed at the corner of his eyes.

"You feel it, baby?" The man glided down until his lips met Luke's cock. He kissed it softly, before engulfing it in his mouth. The man pressed two fingers against Luke's hole, easily sliding them in, and Luke felt tears slip from his eyes. He shut his eyes tight and allowed his mind to drift away; away to times of harsh guitar strumming and tender touches. He glanced out the car window, and noticed the star-less sky. Where had they gone, those skies that were covered with hundreds of blinking lights? Where had those moments gone? Were they truly gone, or were they still lying underneath Luke, underneath his scars and dirt that were still too stubborn to disappear?

He let out a sob, and the man stopped moving inside him. In the darkness of the night, Luke could make out the man's eyebrows crinkling in concern. "Baby, what's wrong?"

Luke shook his head feverishly, and covered his face with his hands. This moment, these unstoppable tears, his heavy heart; they all felt so familiar. But he didn't want them. He didn't want to remember.

He sobbed harder, and his fingers crawled around the man's neck. He just couldn't win. "I'm weak…" he whispered with a broken voice. "I'm weak, I'm weak…I—"

The man hushed Luke, pulling him up until he was seated in the man's lap. He kissed Luke's cheek, his eyelids, and finally his lips. And Luke let him.

He let the man kiss and hold him, let him thrust into his body. He let the man whisper words of endearment in his ear; let him lick the area around Luke's lips. Anything the man wanted, Luke consented, because this man, this man that had taken advantage of Luke in his fragile state; this man that had fucked Luke even when Luke hadn't wanted it.

He was _somebody_. And right now, all Luke needed was to feel he wasn't alone. Even if that meant dirtying himself, and spreading his legs as far as possible. He needed to feel. He needed to forget and erase those stubborn scars, once and for all.

He wrapped his legs tighter around the man's waist, and felt warmth fill him. The man grunted a few times and held Luke closer. Luke felt something fill his quivering hole, felt it slide down his legs, tickling his thighs.

_Who's weak now? Who's weak _**_now_**_…?_

Luke let out a bitter chuckle. Tears ran rapidly down his face, and he softly whispered.

"Still me."


	2. Chapter 2

_I wish you could see me now…_

Luke sat on his couch, a blanket thrown over his lap and a blank expression on his face.  
The television roared on in the quiet of the house, and a bowl of popcorn lay uneaten on the table. Outside, Luke could make out the faint sound of wind blowing. He wondered how strong the wind could be, how strong it would have to be to blow away Luke's home.

To blow away his life.

He shook his head before lying horizontally on the couch, his blanket snug against him.

_What would you think?_

He shut his eyes tight, trying to ignore the burning in his a'ss; tried to ignore the burn of the memories.  
_  
That man. Was I really only with him yesterday?_

He wrapped his blanket tighter around himself, and found himself feeling so much like he was an insecure teenager in high school, instead of a 25-year-old man. How was it that he kept making the same mistake, over and over again? Sometimes, he felt like an actor in a movie. An actor hired to play the role of Luke Snyder; an actor who, for the life of him, kept flubbing his lines, messing up scenes, and ruining moments that could have been unforgettable. Moments that could have secured happiness.

_Just when would he get it right?_

Luke stared blankly at the television screen.  
_  
I wish you could see me now…_

He rolled over, turning away from the luminous lights.

_Would you laugh? Or would you cry along with me?_

This was how he spent his time after every ****. The brief satisfaction he felt always faded into disgust with himself, and he spent the entire next day lying around. He knew these were people who probably couldn't care less about whether or not they'd see him again. And he didn't care either.

He didn't. Really.

He shut his eyes tighter, as his head began to fill with more images; various people he'd met, people who had entered his life only to leave in the next second. People he loved. People he hated. People he trusted. People he didn't. And people he couldn't love _nor_ trust.

And then, in the center of the memories, were those blue eyes.

Those stupid, haunting blue eyes.

When would he stop seeing them? When would they stop invading his thoughts and dreams, choking him in their vividness? Would he ever see them again?

_I wish you could see me now..._

See me in this life I've made

Maybe you'd finally be happy

Maybe you already are happy

And my unhappiness would just make you happier...

...Or maybe you just wouldn't care.

And I wouldn't care, if you wouldn't...

"I don't care," Luke said aloud. He repeated it three more times, each time louder than the last.

But no matter what, he still couldn't get himself to believe it.  
_  
Cry along with me…_

Because I care.


	3. Chapter 3

_He was gone.___

_The rest of them had left already, leaving Luke by himself, broken and bleeding on the ground. But Luke couldn't care less.___

_Because he was gone.___

_There were so many things that hurt right now. His ass, for one, was throbbing as though he'd spent the entire day shoving items into it. His body was covered with purple-hinted bruises and bite marks. And then, there were the less obvious things: his chest, aching with disappointment; his tongue, stinging from the constant pressure of Luke's tongue; his hands, red from clenching his fist. And then, there was his head, filled with painful images of blue eyes and a lean figure. That rare smile that took Luke's breathes away.___

_And those stupid, deceiving blue eyes.___

_Luke took a deep, shaking breath and struggled to sit up. His torn shirt slid off his shoulders, and a cool breeze brushed against his skin. His throat felt tight, his chest felt tighter, and all he wanted was to crawl into bed and stay there for eternity. But he couldn't. He would never give them the satisfaction. Instead he looked for his pants, which had been carelessly tossed somewhere. He found them crumbled on the ground, and picked them up slowly.___

_They were too ripped for him to wear.___

_They smelled nothing like him.___

_And Luke couldn't wear them like this, with this smell and these holes.___

_And that was the last straw.___

_He let out a loud sob, and covered his face with his hands.___

_He cried until he felt empty.___

_He cried until snot ran over his mouth, bitter and relentless.___

_He cried until he no longer could…___

_…until he truly was gone.__  
_  
A loud thump knocked Luke out of his trance, and he jumped before looking up. He found himself staring at the concerned face of his close friend and colleague, Linda Brown.

"Luke, hon…you alright?" She asked, her hand reaching across the small table. She placed it against Luke's forehead tenderly, before settling back into her seat.

"Well, you don't got a fever, but you're pale as a duck!"

Luke found himself grinning. "Linda, ducks are yellow, so technically…"

Linda snorted, and raised a hand dismissively.

"Oh, you know what I mean!"

Luke shook his head, his smile slowly fading. He focused his gaze at a scratch on the table. His fingers reached out and gently rubbed against it. How long had it been there? And could it be fixed? Or was this small scratch, this small imperfection, irreversible?

_He needed to know._

He heard another thump, but his gaze remained focused on the scratch.

"Luke…" Linda said softly. "Luke, look at me."

He pushed aside his uneaten tuna sandwich and glanced up. Linda brushed fallen hair out of her eyes and leaned forward, placing her hands neatly on the table. Her auburn eyes shone brightly, enhancing her highlighted brunette hair.

"I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I'm worried about you, Luke."

He lifted his water bottle, swiftly taking a sip. "Why?"

"Why? Well, where do I start, honey? You're always zoning out, and no matter what, it never seems like you're _here_; with _us_.

_Because I'm not…_

"Not to mention, I invite you to do things with my friends and I every week and you've never said yes."

"Linda…you know _I'm gay_, right?"

"You think I don't know any gay guys? Honey, please. Just let me fix you on a date! Let me see that beautiful smiling face of yours more often!"

Luke's heart thumped out of fear. "You really don't need to do that…I'm fine."

"Fine, my butt," Linda said with a sneer. "Luke, you come to school. You teach your students. And then you go home everyday, to an empty house. Now answer this, dear. Is that any way to live?"

Luke looked down again, played with his shirt sleeve, his buttons, and the scratched table; anything to keep busy.

This world he had created for himself, this place where he could exist as two people; Luke, the kind, quiet, unsociable man, and Just Mark, the one who had all the fun…was he living, if he couldn't figure out who he really was or what he really wanted? And was he living if everyday his head was stuck in the past?

_No, that's not living. But that's the point, isn't it._

"I mean, what were you doing Friday that was _so urgent_ that you couldn't make time for friends?"

Luke looked up and cocked his head.

_Getting fucked, in simple terms._

Linda sighed in frustration. "Alright, so I guess you're not answering me, anymore. Then I'll make it simple for you." She leaned forward again. "This weekend. You. Me. Double-date. I met two amazing guys last week at the grocery store. Lucky that one of them was gay!"

Luke gasped. "Linda, you can't just decide these things by yourself!"

"Oh, honey, but I can, and I did. I've known you for nearly three years now, and that's enough time to learn a lot about a person. And what I've learned is that you're not happy."

"I'm plenty happy, Linda—"

"—bull. Baby, you should know by know that lying don't work on me."

Luke felt his throat tightening, and clenched his jaw in defeat. Lucinda nodded in approval.

"Then it's settled. I'll email you tonight with details." She pushed her chair out, tossed her garbage in the trash, and picked up her bag. "Well, the bell's gonna ring in a couple minutes, so I should head off. These lunch breaks just don't cut it…" She walked to Luke's side of the table, brushed her finger against Luke's face.

"Are you mad?" She asked.

"No, just…I'm not sure if I can…" he paused, and gulped heavily. "Linda, I can't just—I'm not sure—I think I…"

"Oh, I get it. That's called fear, baby. And that means you're alive after all." She leaned down and gave Luke a hug. "It's alright if you are scared, Luke. But trust that I picked a good guy for you. Because that's what you deserve."

She turned towards the exit, her heels clicking against the marble floor.

"Oh, and Luke; just remember that you're a wonderful, smart, loving guy that anyone would be lucky to know. Nothing's gonna change that." She winked. "Remember that, 'kay?"

With those words, she scurried off, leaving Luke alone in a room with too many colorful, inspirational posters; too many people hustling around, spilling coffee and exchanging gossip.

He put his head on the cool desk, shut his eyes tight. He wanted to get away from it all; away from Chicago, away from this junior high school, away from those blue eyes that still haunted his dreams.

The bell rang, and he heard students quickly hurrying to their classes, voices shouting loud in the hall.

He remained sitting.  
_  
__I've already forgotten, Linda. I've already forgotten._


	4. Chapter 4

Ding!

The timer went off, signaling time was up. The students in the class shuffled, placing their pens and pencils in their bags.

Luke stood up, clapped his hands once, and with a smile said, "Alright, class. Pass 'em up."

There were various murmurs from spots in the room. Some students arose from a drool-inflicting nap, others stretched in their seats. Girls leaned over their desks, laughing and flirting with the guys around them, and guys leaned back in their chairs in an attempt to appear suave. He was able to distinguish hushed whispers about plans after-school and scattered quiet laughter, everyone's excitement quickly building for the end of the day.

_I remember when I was that carefree too. _

He shook his head and, after collecting the quizzes, quickly scribbled the homework on the board.

"Better write this down fast, guys. Just read chapters 6-11 in _To Kill a Mockingbird_, and come prepared with something to say next class. Remember: _class_ discussion, so _everyone _needs to participate at least once."

The bell rang, signaling the end of the day, and the students hurried to scribble the rest of the homework. They dashed out the door, several turning to say goodbye to _Mr. Snyder._ When the last student had left, Luke stood staring at his empty classroom; the desks that had once been occupied by students. After a while, he began fixing the rows back into straight lines, picking up stray pencils and papers along the way. When the room was at last clean, he lowered himself into his chair.

He pushed his hair away from his face and rubbed his temples. He could feel the start of a headache starting, and resolved to pick up some medicine after school.

Feeling tired suddenly, he laid his head down.

This was his life, five days a week.

Five days a week, he faked a smiling face purely for his students, and tried to push aside his dark thoughts, if only for six hours.

Five days a week, he spent time with various students, some who reminded him of past figures in his life, some whose bright personalities and energy lit up his class and made his chest thump with regret.

_I was like that once, wasn't I? _

_I can't seem to remember…_

He finally got up, pushing his books and agenda into his bag. Now, he would get to go home, where his television and couch eagerly awaited him.

After he gathered all his things, he paused to take one last look at the room. Something about it all felt so nostalgic, like he'd lived this part of his live already.

He sighed deeply.

_I wonder what he's doing right now…_

_If he ever thinks of me…_

_The way I think about him…_

_The way I wonder what he was thinking back then…_

_What was hidden behind those stupid blue eyes…_

_Those goddamn, stupid eyes…_

With another sigh, he shut the lights off and left.


	5. Chapter 5

_He couldn't sleep._

_He'd tried shutting his eyes and counting fluffy sheep, tried thinking of lullabies his mother used to sing to him, tried singing them in his head._

_But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't sleep._

_With a sigh, he threw his covers off and sat up in bed. _

_  
It still hurt. So much, that he could barely stand it. _

_How was he supposed to get past this, when every time he was alone, he could only sit in fear that something was lurking in the shadows. _

_Giving in, he finally turned the light on, watched the room light up. _

_With the light on, he slowly took in his slightly messy room; the clothes that had been thrown haphazardly around the room. His desk that was covered with loose papers and pages ripped out of his notebook. His Star wars bedsheets._

_He hated them; all of these possessions. All these reminders, these little insights as to who he was._

_He wasn't the same person anymore._

_With a choked cry, he jumped out of bed. He pushed the papers off his desk, shoved his chair aside and pushed his desk over. It landed with a satisfying crash that shook his room._

_Shook the house. _

_Shook his heart._

_But it still wasn't enough._

_He ran to his closet, pulled all of his clothes out blindly, tears streaming down his face. Soon his floor was covered with dozens of striped shirts and random sheets of paper; dozens of pieces of Luke._

_He heard his mother call his name, heard her ask if he was alright._

_He said nothing, instead sinking to the floor, sitting atop of colorful shirts and papers with his name scribbled on._

_He took multiple deep breaths, the restriction in his throat increasing. _

_He felt himself calming down, until a pair of heavenly blue eyes entered his mind._

_Feeling overwhelmed, he pushed the palm of his hand against his lips._

_And sobbed._

The microwave signaled that Luke's dinner was ready, and with a heavy sigh, he placed his teaching agenda aside and heaved himself off his couch. It was almost past seven, late for dinner, but Luke found himself eating later and later every day. There had been a couple days last week when he had been overwhelmed with grading tests, and he'd completely forgotten to eat dinner. And then there were those days when he missed breakfast _and _lunch, and had only coffee to satisfy his hunger.

If his mom were here, she'd probably yell at him for taking such lousy care of himself.

He placed his microwavable meal on the table, grabbed a soda from the fridge and collapsed back onto the couch.

Longing for silence, he turned off the television and relaxed back onto the couch. This was the part of the day when he reflected over everything that happened that day, what he had said, if was clear enough to his students, if they even respected him. He'd been doing this job for only two years, and sometimes, he found himself yearning for the passion to write that had possessed him as a teen. Granted, an 8th grade English teacher wasn't a terrible job, but it always left him with a feeling of emptiness.

Like right now, in his chest. It consumed him, ate at his insides, and he desperately he needed it to go away, needed it to be filled by something. _Anything._

He pushed his untouched food aside and curled back onto the couch.

_Something._

_Anything._

_Someone._

_Anyone._


	6. Chapter 6

_It had been one week._

_Exactly one week, and Luke still felt like a shadow of his former self, traveling through school in a gas covered haze. His homework lay rotting in the bottom of his backpack, and he hadn't eaten a real meal in days. It was a surprise to him that he could even get out of bed. But he did. He had too._

_He had seen them around school, lingering in corners of the school. None of them could even look at him. And that was fine, because he couldn't look at them either. Looking at them reminded him of those blue eyes; those God-forsaken blue eyes._

_Thankfully, word was that he would never see them again. Those blue eyes were gone, along with their owner. Supposedly, his father was in the military, and they had just packed up and left over the weekend, gone to somewhere out west. _

_And Luke was fine with that. _

_He was; really._

_Now, none of them would ever bother him again, not with their leader gone. If they did, Luke could tell on them. Tell people what they had said; what they had done. And those wimps wouldn't want that._

_Ever._

_So for now, Luke was safe. The blue eyes were gone, taking with them Luke's feelings of temptation and longing. _

_Now, he was free. And one day, he would be able to put all of this behind him. All of these thoughts, all of these emotions. One day, they would all be gone._

_One day…_

"Luke! My God, talking to you is like talking to a wall."

Luke looked up at Linda, who was staring at him expectantly. He smiled. "Sorry, Linda. I was just thinking about how fast this week went by. I can't believe it's Friday already."

"Oh, shut up," she said, shaking her head. "Now I don't want to talk to you anymore."

Luke laughed, and took a sip of his water. The two sat in silence for a minute, until Linda sighed with exasperation.

"Alright, I give!" She leaned across the table, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "You excited for tomorrow?"

Luke froze, and carefully recapped his water. "Not especially. Since I'm being _forced _to go."

"Psshh, honey. You make it sound like I put a gun to your head."

"You might as well have."

Linda leaned back, looking defeated. She gathered her hair into a ponytail and let fall it back over her shoulders. "I'm just worried about you, Luke…"

"I know you are. But really, you don't have to worry. I'm just…going through a rough patch in my life. That's all."

"That's all?"

"That's all."

They stared at each other, each waiting for the other to move. Finally, Linda abruptly stood up and walked to Luke's side of the table. She knelt down, meeting Luke's eyes directly. He gulped in nervousness. "Wha-what are you doing…?"

"You're lying to me again."

"What-what makes you think that?"

"I have my reasons." She stood up straight again and grabbed her back. "I don't care what you say, because I know _you're not happy_. And _because_ you're not happy, you're coming with me _tomorrow_, to _The Signature Room_. You're gonna meet this guy who's been anxious to meet _you._ And you're gonna have a blast."

Luke looked down. "Well, I guess I really don't have a choice, do I?"

Linda groaned in frustration, shifted Luke's head towards her.

"My God, Luke! You're making it sound like I'm _punishing_ you or something. Like I'm _such_ a terrible person for wanting you to be happy."

"You're not, Linda…"

"Is it so bad that I care about you?"

"No…" Luke whispered.

"Then what is it?"

"I-I…"

The bell rang, cutting their conversation short. The sound of feet scuffling against the floor quickly filled the hallway, while distinct voices struggled to be heard over all the noise and chaos. Linda sighed, and softly patted Luke's cheek. "I've gotta jet. But Luke, please. Let me care, okay? Please."

He gulped, and looked back at the table; back at stubborn scratch.

_Care all you want…_

_It won't change what happened…_


	7. Chapter 7

_It had been a month._

_An entire month and he was slowly beginning to heal._

_Tonight, for the first time in a while, he was going to hang out with his friends. They would play some basketball, video games, and maybe even sleep outside, under the stars. And he would be a kid._

_He threw on a clean shirt and quickly ran to his closet for some jeans. He was already half an hour late, as it was. _

_His hands grabbed a plastic bag, and he slowly pulled them out. He knew what was inside, and he knew that looking inside was a terrible idea. But still, he couldn't help but sit on the ground in front of his closet, and slowly open the bag._

_ Inside were his jeans._

_The jeans that didn't smell like him, that were too ripped to wear. The jeans that brought with them a memory that Luke wanted to destroy. Why were they here? Why had he kept them?_

_Why?_

_He slowly stood up, his legs shaking tremendously, and went to the mirror in his bathroom. Watched his tears roll down his face, watched his eyes grow redder._

_Why?_

Luke stared at his reflection in the mirror, stuck on one single thing.

He looked good. Great, even.

Linda had told him to dress nice, so he had opted for a pair of nice black pants, and a baby blue button-up shirt that brought out the green flecks in his eyes. He'd unbuttoned the top few buttons, exposing a small part of his chest.

Yeah, he looked good.

He glanced at his wristwatch. He had to be at _The Signature Room_ in half an hour. Just barely enough time to drive there.

With a sigh, he exited the bathroom and grabbed his car keys from a hook near his closet. He still had no idea how he was going to pay for tonight. _The Signature Room_was supposedly one of the most extravagant restaurants in Chicago, with its floor-to-ceiling windows and legendary service. It overlooked the city, allowing a stunning view of the Chicago skyline.

_Leave it to Linda to find a guy willing to go to The Signature Room on the first date. She is really something special._

_Really, really special._

He sighed, before exiting shutting off all the lights and exiting his house.

"Luke, you made it!" Linda came running towards him, shoving people out of her way, and threw her arms around Luke in a hug.

She wore a simple black dress, and her hair was curled so it fell around her shoulders and framed her face. She looked stunning, to say the least.

Luke squeezed her tightly and laughed. "Of course. I texted that I was here, didn't I?" It was little things like this that sometimes made Linda seem like a teenage girl, instead of a young woman. Her spirit and energy managed to overtake any negative environment, and her smile could get her nearly anything she wanted. She was constantly being asked out, and numerous students had a crush on her, but she always politely let them know she wasn't interested.

He gently pulled her away, and kissed her cheek. "This place is absolutely gorgeous, Linda. And you look gorgeous too."

"Isn't it? And thank you! Look pretty good yourself, slick." She fixed his collar and played with his bangs. "Gorgeous; as always. Now come to our table. The guys are waiting." She tugged his hand, snaking them through the numerous people who stood lingering. "Just wait till you see the view from this place! It's breathtaking."

She went right when Luke went left, and he ended up accidentally crashing into a man holding a drink. It spilled over the man's suit, and some landed on Luke's shirt.

Luke gasped and grasped at the man's shoulder. "I'm so sorry!"

Their eyes met then, and Luke found his mouth dropping in shock. He watched the way the man's eyes widened in astonishment, the way he slowly lowered his glass until the contents spilled onto the ground.

"Luke?"

_Noah. Noah Mayer._

He couldn't.

Couldn't say his name, couldn't be in the same room with him, couldn't even stand looking at him. Couldn't stand the way those blue eyes seemed to look right through him, exposing all his thoughts and dreams.

He felt naked.

Noah grabbed his arm, pulled him slightly closer. His eyes grew softer, and he leaned closer until their faces were inches away. "Luke. It-it really is you."

Luke opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Linda came dashing in right then. "Luke? Is everything alright?"

Luke pushed Noah away slightly, and ran to Linda's side. "Everything's fine." He turned to Noah one last time. "I'm really sorry about your drink…it was nice seeing you again." He grabbed Linda's hand and the two walked towards a table near the windows, occupied by two men who were busy whispering. It was in the corner of the restaurant, far away from Noah's table. And Noah hated that.

He needed Luke to be closer, needed to be able to reach over and touch Luke freely. But he had no right to do that. He never did.

Instead, he watched them walk every step of the way. He watched a man stand and shake Luke's hand, watched the way Luke smiled hesitantly. Watched them sit next to each other, the man sitting too close to Luke for Noah's comfort.

And Noah found himself smiling in spite of himself.

_That could have been you, Mayer; you idiot._

_You stupid, thoughtless freaking idiot._

_It had been a month._

_An entire month and he was slowly beginning to heal._

_Tonight, for the first time in a while, he was going to hang out with his friends. They would play some basketball, video games, and maybe even sleep outside, under the stars. And he would be a kid._

_He threw on a clean shirt and quickly ran to his closet for some jeans. He was already half an hour late, as it was. _

_His hands grabbed a plastic bag, and he slowly pulled them out. He knew what was inside, and he knew that looking inside was a terrible idea. But still, he couldn't help but sit on the ground in front of his closet, and slowly open the bag._

_ Inside were his jeans._

_The jeans that didn't smell like him, that were too ripped to wear. The jeans that brought with them a memory that Luke wanted to destroy. Why were they here? Why had he kept them?_

_Why?_

_He slowly stood up, his legs shaking tremendously, and went to the mirror in his bathroom. Watched his tears roll down his face, watched his eyes grow redder._

_Why?_

Luke stared at his reflection in the mirror, stuck on one single thing.

He looked good. Great, even.

Linda had told him to dress nice, so he had opted for a pair of nice black pants, and a baby blue button-up shirt that brought out the green flecks in his eyes. He'd unbuttoned the top few buttons, exposing a small part of his chest.

Yeah, he looked good.

He glanced at his wristwatch. He had to be at _The Signature Room_ in half an hour. Just barely enough time to drive there.

With a sigh, he exited the bathroom and grabbed his car keys from a hook near his closet. He still had no idea how he was going to pay for tonight. _The Signature Room_was supposedly one of the most extravagant restaurants in Chicago, with its floor-to-ceiling windows and legendary service. It overlooked the city, allowing a stunning view of the Chicago skyline.

_Leave it to Linda to find a guy willing to go to The Signature Room on the first date. She is really something special._

_Really, really special._

He sighed, before exiting shutting off all the lights and exiting his house.

"Luke, you made it!" Linda came running towards him, shoving people out of her way, and threw her arms around Luke in a hug.

She wore a simple black dress, and her hair was curled so it fell around her shoulders and framed her face. She looked stunning, to say the least.

Luke squeezed her tightly and laughed. "Of course. I texted that I was here, didn't I?" It was little things like this that sometimes made Linda seem like a teenage girl, instead of a young woman. Her spirit and energy managed to overtake any negative environment, and her smile could get her nearly anything she wanted. She was constantly being asked out, and numerous students had a crush on her, but she always politely let them know she wasn't interested.

He gently pulled her away, and kissed her cheek. "This place is absolutely gorgeous, Linda. And you look gorgeous too."

"Isn't it? And thank you! Look pretty good yourself, slick." She fixed his collar and played with his bangs. "Gorgeous; as always. Now come to our table. The guys are waiting." She tugged his hand, snaking them through the numerous people who stood lingering. "Just wait till you see the view from this place! It's breathtaking."

She went right when Luke went left, and he ended up accidentally crashing into a man holding a drink. It spilled over the man's suit, and some landed on Luke's shirt.

Luke gasped and grasped at the man's shoulder. "I'm so sorry!" He began rubbing the man's jacket in vain, but stopped when the man grabbed his hand tightly.

Their eyes met then, and Luke found his mouth dropping in shock and his heart thumping in fear. He watched the way the man's eyes widened in astonishment, the way he slowly lowered his glass cup until the remaining contents spilled onto the ground.

"Luke?"

_Noah. Noah Mayer._

Luke's heart beat against his chest, threatening to break his ribs. His head was spinning with a plethora of emotions; pain, sadness, fear, and the one that hurt the most; slight happiness. It was all too much right now, and he just couldn't.

_He couldn't. _

He couldn't say his name, couldn't be in the same room with him, couldn't even stand looking at him. Couldn't stand the way those blue eyes seemed to look right through him, exposing all his thoughts and dreams.

He felt naked.

Noah grabbed his arm, pulled him slightly closer. His eyes grew softer, and he leaned closer until their faces were inches away. "Luke. It-it really is you."

Luke opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Linda came dashing in right then. "Luke? Is everything alright?"

Luke pushed Noah away slightly, and ran to Linda's side. "Everything's fine." He turned to Noah one last time. "I'm really sorry about your drink…it was nice seeing you again." He grabbed Linda's hand and the two walked towards a table near the windows, occupied by two men who were busy whispering. It was in the corner of the restaurant, far away from Noah's table. And Noah hated that.

He needed Luke to be closer, needed to be able to reach over and touch Luke freely. But he had no right to do that. _He never did._

Instead, he watched them walk every step of the way. He watched a man stand and shake Luke's hand, watched the way Luke smiled hesitantly. Watched them sit next to each other, the man sitting too close to Luke for Noah's comfort.

And Noah found himself smiling in spite of himself.

_That could have been you, Mayer; you idiot._

_You stupid, thoughtless freaking idiot._


	8. Chapter 8

_The first time Noah had seen Luke, he had been in the circle of his friends, laughing freely. His face had been glowing in a miraculous way that had taken Noah's breath away, his blond bangs brushing over his eyes in a way that made Noah want to touch them; want to touch Luke. That had been in the 8th grade, and ever since that moment, Luke seemed to appear everywhere Noah was; smiling, laughing, and bringing with him this energy that inflicted itself onto others. He was one of the most beautiful people Noah had ever laid eyes on, and every time Noah wanted to reach out and touch Luke, he seemed to grow farther away, and Noah would lower his hand with a defeated sigh. To think that Luke had no idea Noah even existed pained him, because he wanted to be seen. He wanted Luke to see him. But Luke, beautiful outgoing Luke, couldn't see him._

And Noah, unsociable and standoffish Noah, hated that.  
  
"Noah, dear…is there a problem?"

Noah took his eyes off Luke's table and met Veronica's eyes. She was the woman his father had set him on a date with, and happened to be the daughter of Colonel Banks, one his father's closest friends. Granted, she was absolutely gorgeous, with her short blond hair and thin frame. But she was also the third woman his father had set him on a date with this month. Each of them kept leaving in a huff because they felt Noah wasn't interested enough in them, each one claiming they deserved better. And they did, because the truth was, Noah couldn't care less about any of them. He really didn't. They were all beautiful in their own rights, but when Noah went to bed every night, he never thought about any of them. The same face was there every night, and it was the same face he thought about when he awoke.

_Every single night…and every single morning._

His eyes drifted to Luke's table again. "No…there's no problem at all."

"Well, you should really try the Roasted Eggplant. It's absolutely divine! I remember when I was a little girl, my mother used to make me…"

Noah tuned her out, returning his gaze to the table nearly across the room, where Luke was seated. The man next to him said something that made Luke laugh, that same laugh that Noah had come to fall in love with.

I wonder…when was the last time he laughed like that, Mayer?

He gulped, taking a sip of his wine. How long had it been, since he had last seen Luke? He mentally counted; at least nine or so years had gone by, if he had done the math right.

_Nine entire fucking years._

Time flies when you're miserable.

He returned his gaze to Veronica, but watched Luke out of the corner of his eye. He was able to make out Luke taking small bites of something that looked like shrimp. He took a bite of his salad, a smudge of ranch staining the corner of his bow-shaped lips. Noah's eyes widened as the man turned Luke's face and gently cleaned wiped his lips. Noah stood up abruptly, giving Veronica an apologetic look.

"I'm so sorry, but I've spotted an old friend of mine…Please excuse me!"

"But, Noah—"

He didn't give her time to reply, and swiftly tossed his unused napkin onto the table. He made his way to Luke's table, his eyes focused on Luke the entire time.

_I'm coming, Luke. Whether you want me to or not._

* * *

With shaking hands, Luke took a sip of his water.

From across the room, he could feel Noah's eyes on him, watching his every move. And it terrified him to no end. It had been nearly nine years since he had last felt the heat of those eyes, those gorgeous eyes that never seemed to stop looking at him.

He needed it to stop.

Now, because of those stupid blue eyes, he kept zoning in and out of the conversation going on between Linda and her date, Mr. Darcy (or Jordan). From the parts he did hear, he had deducted that Jordan worked as an accountant in New York City, and had come to Chicago to visit his parents. While grocery shopping, he had bumped into Linda, and the rest was history, he being taken with her beauty and her being taken with his genuineness. Luke's date, Mr. Tyler (or Mike), was Jordan's best friend, and had been with Mr. Darcy when they met Linda. When Linda had informed Mike about Luke, he had been eager to meet him.

And Luke felt terrible now, for neglecting him. He was fairly attractive, if not a little short for Luke's liking. But he was sweet, and had even pulled Luke's chair out for him. He kept asking Luke questions about his childhood, about his career; questions that Luke answered without much enthusiasm. He seemed genuinely interested in Luke and Luke's life, and Luke was ignoring him why? Because of a stupid pair of blue eyes?

With a deep breath, he finally forced himself to focus, turning to Mike with a huge smile that hurt his face. "This place is so beautiful…thank you so much for inviting me."

Mike smiled, and leaned closer to Luke. "It was no problem at all, Luke. Are you enjoying your dinner?"

Luke glanced at his meal, something called _Seared Sea Scallops_. "Well…it's definitely different," he attempted with a grin. Mike chuckled.

Luke took a bite of it, feeling Noah watch him out of the corner of his eye.

Here he was, in one of the beautiful restaurants in Chicago. He had a perfect view out the window that overlooked the city, and he was here with his best friend and a handsome man who was _interested_ in him. Not necessarily his body, but _him_. And he would be damned if he let Noah Mayer ruin this night for him.

_I won't let him get to me…No matter what._

When he took a bite of salad, he made sure to get some on his lip. Mike chuckled before using his napkin to dab at Luke's lips; carefully, and so tenderly. And it actually felt strangely intimate, making Luke's heart race slightly. But when he leaned away, his eyes drifted back to Noah's table.

And what he saw made his heart skip a beat.

He watched Noah stand up and thump his hands on the table.

Their eyes met, and he watched as Noah apologized to his date, watched him throw his napkin onto his table, and watched him make his way to Luke's table, his gaze focused directly on Luke. And the realization made Luke want to hide under the table.

Noah was coming to his table.

And he didn't show any signs of stopping.

_He's coming…whether I want him to or not._


	9. Chapter 9

**_One day, when Noah was in the 8_****_th_****_ grade, he saw Luke with his brothers and sisters at the park. It had been a cold day in December, and Noah had planned on spending the day at the park, capturing people 'in the moment' with his camera. When Noah's eyes fell on Luke, his heart had sped up, and his hands had begun sweating. For a while, Noah actually worried that he would ruin his camera. He swiftly hid behind a tree, watching Luke furtively. _**

**_He watched as Luke's siblings ran off with their friends, throwing snowballs at each other and jumping headfirst into snow forts. Luke stood watching them for a while and, under the scarce sunlight, he appeared almost angelic, his hair golden and his cheeks red from cold. It took Noah's breath away._**

**_Noah raised his camera slowly, zooming in close to Luke's face. Watched the way Luke's bangs blew with the wind, the way his eyes sparkled. And very carefully, he took the picture. _**

**_Later on, when he looked at, it shocked him to no end how beautiful Luke was. And just how far away he was. _**

**_He ended up printing the picture, and taking it with him everywhere he went. Even on That Day, the picture had been stuffed into his pocket, safe from destruction._**

**_He still carried it with him. Everywhere he went._**

**The journey to Luke's table seemed so long and endless. But his eyes remained locked with Luke's the entire way, and he couldn't help but wonder what Luke was thinking. What he ****_had _****been thinking, during those long nine years, ever since ****_That Day_****. **

**_I wonder if he blames me…and if he does blame me, if he forgives me…_**

**Finally, with his heart beating tremendously, he arrived at Luke's table. Everyone paused talking and stared up at him, their eyes squinted with curiosity and confusion.**

**All except Luke's eyes; the only ones he cared about. ****_They _****were wide with shock, and maybe even a sprinkle of fear. Fear that Noah had induced. **

**_I'm sorry Luke, so sorry…_**

**He cleared his throat. "Sorry for interrupting, but could I please borrow Luke for a sec—"**

**"—No!" Luke interrupted. His mouth dropped, surprised with himself, and he blushed as he quickly backtracked. "I—I mean…I'm sort of…on a date right now." **

**He looked down at the table, and Noah shifted his gaze to the man sitting next to Luke. He glared until the man squirmed uncomfortably. **

**"It's really very urgent," Noah said grimly. **

**Luke looked up slightly, his gaze traveling around the table, finally landing on the man's. "Um…" he said hesitantly. The man sighed, and rubbed Luke's arm gently. **

**"Go on, Luke."**

**"But—"**

**"It's fine. Go." He lifted Luke's hand and swiftly kissed it.**

**Luke slowly turned in his chair and stood up. "Fine. Let's get this over with." He began walking, refusing to meet Noah's eyes. Noah turned back to the man, giving him one last glare before following Luke.**

**He was alone. Alone, and with Noah.**

**_How stupid could he be?_**

**The two were in the hall outside ****_The Signature Room_****, where there were scarce people and barely any noise to distract them. In this environment, the two could completely focus on each other. And because of that, Luke's heart felt like it was stuck in his throat. And he needed it out of there, needed to be able to breath, needed to talk. He hadn't been able to say anything back then, but now was his chance. He could finally say it. He could say ****_everything_****.**

**He looked up, meeting Noah's intense gaze for the first time since they got out here. Noah looked Luke up and down. He was probably taking Luke in, making sure he was real, and that he wasn't dreaming. For a moment, they stood watching each other silently, and like a game of checkers, each one waited for the other to make the first move; the wrong move which would bring one of them closer to winning.**

**_Is that what this is, a game?_**

**_It was probably always a game to him…_**

**He watched as Noah's lips finally moved to form words, watched as Noah froze and let out a deep sigh. Instead of saying anything, he stepped closer, slowly bringing his hand up.**

**Luke flinched instinctively and shut his eyes tight, waiting for some sort of impact. But instead of a fist colliding with his nose, he felt Noah's fingers gently stroking his face. His eyes shot open and his mouth dropped open. Suddenly, it was so much harder to breathe. And Luke felt like his mouth had been glued shut. He couldn't speak, couldn't even think. All he could do was feel Noah's fingers lingering on his face. **

**After a beat, Noah stepped even closer to Luke, his other hand hesitantly rising to touch the blonde's hair. He brushed Luke's bangs, let his fingers travel from Luke's eyebrows, down his cheeks, and then finally to his chin; raising it slightly.**

**"Finally…" he whispered, so faintly that Luke almost missed it. "God, Luke. Finally, I…" he paused, his eyes glistening. **

**_Is this a dream? Or is Noah Mayer really here, touching me…And I'm letting him._**

**Luke wanted so badly to stop shaking, to stop ****_feeling so much. _****But he couldn't stop it, any of it. **

**He felt his eyes tear up, and struggled to say something. **

**_Anything…_**

**"Noah…" he choked out. **

**Ironically enough, the only thing he could say…****_was_****_Noah's name_****.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Noah couldn't believe it. He ****_really_**** couldn't believe it.**

**He was struggling not to break down, struggling not to start flying right then and there. He had dreamt about this day for so long that even thoughts of his father's angry face couldn't ruin this moment for him. Sure, he had deserted his date in the restaurant, and she was probably angrily calling Noah's father right now. But that didn't matter. The last time he had seen Luke, Luke had been breaking and crying; crying and breaking. And back then, Noah had broken too. He had ****_still _****been********broken, up until this moment.**

**Luke Snyder was now standing right in front of him, close enough for Noah to touch him. And Noah ****_was_**** touching him; touching his hair and his face, a face that had seemed to have grown even more beautiful in the past nine years. **

**And Noah simply wanted to fly.**

**Granted, Luke was crying, and that ****_still_**** made Noah want to cry, but maybe Luke was just feeling overwhelmed. **

**The same way Noah was.**

*****

**Luke was breaking. **

**Slowly and surely, he was collapsing into pieces that had been temporarily fixed with glue. It figured that the same man who broke him was breaking him again. With Noah's simple touch, he was back in that stupid room, with all those eyes on him; all those hands grabbing at him. He remembered the pain, the way he was never the same after that. The way he had started crying whenever he saw his jeans; the jeans that were ripped and smelly. And he especially remembered those blue eyes, those eyes that had always watched him, those same eyes that had watched everything at that time, and done nothing.**

**_He could have done something, anything, and he had done nothing._**

**_Absolutely nothing…_**

**With a sob, Luke pushed Noah away. **

**Noah looked shocked, and took one step closer. "Luke…?" he asked softly.**

**"Don't come closer! Don't…." Luke stood shaking, his tears rolling down his face. **

**Noah stood with his eyes still glistening, and put his hands at his sides. "I'm sorry, Luke…" he whispered. "I'm so, so sorry…"**

**Luke said nothing, wanting to say everything, and settled for the one thing he ****_could_**** say. And he said it quietly, in between shuddering breaths.**

**"I can't do this. Not now."**

**He turned back to the restaurant, hurrying away from Noah, away from these feelings that were drowning him. It was all too much, and he couldn't handle it. **

**Not now, not ever. **

**_Weak…you're weak Luke. _**

**_So very weak._**

**Luke could feel all of their eyes watching him as he neared the table. He'd done his best to wipe his tears away, but his eyes were probably still red. **

**When he arrived at the table, Mike stood up and dashed to Luke's side.**

**"Luke, are you alright?" Mike asked. **

**Luke gulped and forced a smile. "I'm sorry, but I really don't feel good, so I-I think I'm just gonna head home." **

**Mike grasped his arms and stared him in the eye. "Well, you do seem upset, so I have no right to stop you."**

**Luke nodded and leaned toward Mike, kissing him gently on the cheek. "Thanks for a great night." **

**He turned towards Linda and her date, giving them a slight wave before hurrying out of the restaurant. He needed to get home, watch some mindless TV, and just forget everything. Forget this day, forget seeing Noah, and forget seeing those blue eyes again.**

**_Those goddamn blue eyes…_**

**"Whoa, Luke, hold up!"**

**Before he could get into the hall, he heard Linda's voice calling after him, and he slowed down before coming to a complete stop.**

**She grabbed his arm and turned him around. "What the hell, Luke?"**

**"I'm sorry, Linda, but I—"**

**"It's okay, Luke. Just at least give me a formal goodbye next time…" She gave him a half-smile and rose on her toes to give Luke a kiss on his cheek. "If you're leaving, I am too."**

**"No Linda, that's not fair. The two of you are ****_really _****hitting it off. Don't worry about me, just go back and have fun, okay?"**

**"Sorry Luke, but you are ****_way_**** more important to me than ****_any_**** date."**

**She pulled at his arm. "Besides, you are obviously in ****_no_**** condition to drive. Now, I'm going to say good night to our dates. You go out to your car and ****_wait _****for me. Okay? You are not allowed to leave without me."**

**Luke smiled, and leaned down to give her a hug. **

**"Understand, Luke?"**

**"I understand." He pulled away. "Thank you, Linda."**

**"Honey, don't even worry about it." She winked, and made her way back to their table.**


	11. Chapter 11

_The first time Luke had ever noticed Noah, they'd been in the library. Noah had been sitting by himself in the corner of the room, deeply immersed in a book. Luke had been with a friend, looking for a book on World War II. His friend had made a stupid joke, something that didn't even make sense, but Luke had laughed anyway; loud and out of place in the quiet of the library. He could feel people turning to stare at them, people with frowns on their face. And out of the corner of his eye, he could see Noah's head slowly lifting, his eyes locking right onto Luke. The gaze followed him everywhere he went in the library, watching him oh-so carefully. Even as Luke and his friend were exiting the library, he could still feel Noah's heated stare watching his every move. ___

_It was the second time he saw Noah, when Noah was talking to someone during lunch, a smile spreading on his face, that Luke was able to see that Noah's eyes were blue. For some reason, that had been important to him, and he made a mental note of it. And for some reason, he was never able to forget it, no matter how hard he tried.___

_Blue eyes…___

_Goddamn blue eyes…__  
_  
Luke hit his head against the back of his seat; once twice, three times.

He had no idea how long he had been waiting.

Linda had said she was just saying goodnight to their dates, but at least half an hour had to have gone by, and he was still sitting in his car, waiting for Linda. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And he was already getting incredibly impatient. The only good thing was that he had been able to fully calm down. The worst part of it all was that, despite everything, his heart still wanted his mind to travel back to Noah.

And he couldn't let that happen.

_Not without a fight. _

With a sigh, he looked out his car window and into the darkness of the night. He watched as families and dates climb into their cars, watched as more families and dates arrive. Through his window, he could hear muffled laughter and see people excitedly pushing each other. They all seemed so…happy.

_So, so happy…_

He sighed again and closed his eyes, wanting to shut everything out. He wished they would all just shut up. He wished he weren't alone right now, and he wished his _heart_ would shut up, and that his _mind _would stop listening to it.

He needed…he needed…what?  
_  
__What is it that I need?___

_I don't even know…___

_And maybe that's the problem…_

It seemed like he was lying there for a while, his eyes shut tightly. Finally, someone knocked on his car window and he jumped slightly before glancing out the window.

_Linda._

He unlocked the car door, and Linda climbed into the driver seat, tossing her purse into the backseat. Luke lightly hit her on the arm and smiled. "How long does it take to say goodnight?"

For a moment, Linda said nothing; pursing her lips and lightly drumming her fingers against the wheel. After a while, she turned to Luke, and her expression actually seemed…angry. And in their three years of friendship, Luke had almost never seen her mad. Righteous, and riled up maybe, but never mad.

"Are you gonna tell me what happened back there?" She asked.

Luke froze and shifted uncomfortably, his gaze landing on the car headrest. Linda began tapping her fingers again. When she realized Luke wouldn't answer, she let out a sigh.

"Did you have fun tonight?"

"Of course I—"

"—Mike really likes you, Luke. He really, really likes you…" she paused, taking a deep breath. "But he knows you don't feel the same way. He wanted to ask for your number, but he couldn't. He said it was pointless." She bit her lip and shook her head slowly. "And I think so too."

Luke remained quiet, and crossed his arms tightly, as if to shield himself. But Linda still leaned closer to him, as if she thought it were possible to break his barrier. And maybe for her, it was.

"Some guy stopped me on my way out."

The tapping began again, and Luke desperately wanted to concentrate on _that_, and _only that._ Maybe Linda would eventually realize that Luke didn't want to talk about this.

But Linda didn't stop talking. "He said his name was Noah. He saw me at your table, apparently." She paused again, waiting for Luke to say something, anything. When he didn't, she continued talking. "I mean, I knew he was the same guy who dragged you away in the first place, but…Anyway, he asked me if I was a friend of yours, and I told him that we were pretty close. And then he said that he wanted to talk to me. When I asked him why..." She lifted Luke's chin slightly, staring him in the eye. "He said that if he couldn't talk to _you_, he wanted to talk to the person _closest to you_."

Luke's eyes widened and he pulled away, retreating back into his seat. Linda looked at him from a beat, before turning back towards the wheel. "Did something happen with Noah, Luke?"

He gulped, and once again he found himself wanting to say _something_, _anything_, if not _everything_. But he couldn't. And Linda seemed to understand that.

"Do you want to know what he said, Luke?"

Luke opened his mouth before immediately closing it. He settled for a head shake that turned into a shrug, which slowly became a nod. He glanced at Linda and cleared his throat. "Yes…" he said softly. Linda smiled at him gently, and then held out her hand.

"Where are your keys?"

He wordlessly handed them to her, and she stuck them in the ignition. "Tell ya what. I'll tell you what he said, on one condition."

"…What?"

"You tell me what happened. In _your_ words, in _your_ eyes."

Luke gasped. "Linda, I can't—"

"It's hard for you, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"Talking. You've probably never told anyone, have you? About what happened?" She let out a slight laugh. "It's funny, 'cause Noah said he never told anyone, and that he hasn't really been the same since. And I told him how you always seem so far away, and I swear he almost started crying." She stared out the window. "I've known you for three years, Luke. And you should know by now that people talk. I mean, even teachers' talk, which I still find ridiculous. But they do, and always talk about how sad you seem, and how introverted you are. And it's stupid, but I've always bragged that I know you better than anyone else does, because it feels so good to be able to say it. I know everything about Luke Snyder. The truth is, I don't know anything, do I? At least nothing that matters."

She turned back towards Luke, her face hard with determination. "I wanted to make you happy, but that really isn't up to me, if you're not ready. And you won't be ready until you get this off your chest. Because you've really never talked about it, have you?"

Luke solemnly shook his head, and watched as Linda leaned closer. "I've already _heard_ Noah's side. And that was enough to learn _a lot _about him. But I'd really like to hear your side, if you would give me the chance." She reached out, took Luke's hands in hers. "Will you, Luke?"

He stared at her, this beautiful, outspoken Italian woman who had become his sunshine in the past few years. He remembered the first time she had spoke to him, how she had demanded to know whether her make-up made her look like a hooker. And then, he thought of one of the first stories she told him, about how her parents used to call her a boomerang because of her stubbornness. She never stopped pursuing what she wanted, going back for more even she kept getting defeated. Back then, she had always managed to catch Luke off-guard in an endearing matter, and Luke had always been drawn to her. And even though he continually tried to fight that, tried to push her away, she kept coming back for more…

_Like a boomerang…_

And if anyone asked him who he trusted most in the world, he would say Linda in a heartbeat.

If he had to tell this to _anyone_, it had to be her.

_It has to be her…_

With a shaky breath, he nodded his head, ignoring the pounding of his head, the pounding of his heart, and the wound inside him that was begging to be fixed.

"I'll tell you everything…from the beginning."


	12. Chapter 12

_Ever since the eighth grade, Luke felt Noah's gaze on him, everywhere he went. Whether he was talking to a friend, or eating his food during lunch, he could feel those blue eyes watching him. Sometimes, it made Luke feel like a fish in an aquarium; swimming for others entertainment. And other times, it made him feel good, like he was something so exotic and interesting that he couldn't help but attract people. And when he started thinking like that, he couldn't help but wonder if Noah was attracted to him. And if he was, did that make Noah…gay?___

_Was Luke gay if the thought of Noah being attracted to him made him happy? And was he gay if he spent his time wondering if Noah thought about him?___

_He was too afraid to find out.___

_They'd talked about homosexuals in his health class, and the topic had even come up during talks with his friends. The same things were always said, how gay people were the most disgusting things on the planet; how any man who liked cock deserved to go to hell. The talks always made Luke uncomfortable, and eventually he would swiftly change the topic. ___

_It was far worse in the halls, because nearly every corner he turned, it seemed like someone was using the word gay.___

_"Dude, you're so gay…"___

_"My teacher is so gay…"___

_"I have to baby-sit tonight. Isn't that gay?"___

_Soon, the word seemed to pop up every time Luke entered a room, and everywhere he went. And every time he heard someone say the word, his heart would beat its way to his throat. _

* * *

_  
__By the ninth grade, Luke had decided he absolutely could not be gay. He couldn't. His friends, his family; they would hate him. He could just see their disappointed faces, their pure disgust.___

_And he couldn't let it happen; couldn't let the image become a reality.___

_But Noah…___

_Noah was always watching him. And it should have made Luke mad, if Luke was truly straight, but instead Luke felt flattered. He'd never thought of himself as anyone special, but for whatever reason, Noah seemed interested in him; he had to be, or he wouldn't bother watching Luke; wouldn't even pay him any attention. Of course, he could have been staring at Luke because he secretly harbored a deep hatred for him, but it simply wasn't hatred that Luke could sense from Noah's gaze. No, it was something entirely different. And it made Luke wanted to know more about him, despite his fear.___

_He began watching Noah closely. Just from watching, he could tell that Noah was a bit of a loner, straying away from huge crowds and spending time after school in the library. Luke made sure to go there every once and a while, pretending to look for books, though he was really watching Noah. ___

_He would hide behind a bookshelf and observe Noah read. Sometimes, Noah would smile; that rare smile that made Luke's heart beat with anxiety. Then there were moments when Noah would stare at a page and his lips would contort into a frown, his eyebrows would crinkle, and sometimes he would bite his lips. He would look so serious, and Luke would pray for the moment when Noah would smile again.___

_And with that, he began to look out for the things that made Noah smile. From asking around, he'd figured out that Noah was taking photography and film electives, as well as being in the Photography club. And Luke couldn't help but wonder if Noah ever thought of taking Luke's picture._

_  
_  
***********************************************************

_Months passed by, and Luke's fascination with Noah quickly changed into a crush; his very first crush. And strangely, the fact that his first crush was on a guy didn't scare him. But he still reserved to keep it to himself, no matter how badly he wanted to say something to Noah.___

_He remained at a distance, but often found himself watching the way Noah would enter a room, paying attention to where his eyes drifted to, and just who made those blue eyes light up.___

_He had never been able to figure it out.___

_But he felt that if he ever did figure it out, he would try his best to become like that person. And maybe someday, Noah would smile because of him.___

_Maybe someday..._

_  
_

_  
_

_In the tenth grade, Noah joined the football team.___

_Luke had no idea where the decision had come from; he'd never heard of Noah playing any sports. It was almost impossible to imagine. But Luke stayed after one day to watch the team practice, and sure enough, Noah was there, running drills with the rest of the team.___

_And Luke learned later on that Noah had been named captain. Because of that, Noah was suddenly surrounded by people. All. The. Time. And suddenly, shy, reclusive Noah was almost never alone. Even after school in the library, Noah had friends who followed him, cracking stupid jokes until they were all forced to leave.___

_And after nearly a year of watching Noah from afar, and never having the courage to actually approach him, Luke surprisingly found it even harder to even imagine ever talking to him.___

_But at night, while he lay awake in his bed—his journal open and ready for him—he just couldn't stop his mind from wandering; couldn't help but picture him and Noah finally talking, finally touching…and maybe even kissing._

* * *

_  
__Looking back now, it was hard for Luke to pinpoint exactly where and when it had all started, but if had to, he would pick the start of football season.___

_He went to every single one of Noah's games, even the away games, always cheering Noah on when he was playing, and even when he wasn't, Luke was silently wishing Noah success. And Luke didn't know if he had anything to do with it, but Noah was a star on the field. The way he commanded attention, leading his teammates to victory; every single game._

_  
_  
**********************************************************

_  
__One day, Luke had been staring at Noah from across the cafeteria. He had meant to be subtle about it, but his mind began wandering to thoughts of Noah's soft looking hair, and how it would feel to finally touch it, run his fingers through it and mess it up. He thought of Noah's lips, and how moist and soft they appeared, and he imagined Noah's pressing those lips against Luke's, stealing Luke's breath away.___

_Maybe he had stared for too long, because when he snapped out of it, he felt another gaze on him. And it was coming from one of Noah's friends from football, a muscular, meathead named Brett Smith. He'd never paid much attention to Brett, but at that moment, Brett was undeniably looking at him. But unlike Noah's guiltless gaze, Brett's was full of pure hatred.___

_And it sent shivers up Luke's spine._

* * *

_Later that day, Luke was slammed against his locker, and his books fell heavily to the floor. When he angrily turned around, he found himself staring at the one and only Brett Smith. ___

_Brett sneered before slamming Luke again. He placed his hands on both sides of Luke's head, trapping him against his locker.___

_"Why the fuck were you staring at Mayer?"___

_Luke pushed against him, only to be pushed back. He grunted and held his head high. "I don't know what you're talking about."___

_"Don't play stupid with me. I know what I saw…you were staring at Mayer like a fucking little queer. And that's what you are, right?"___

_Luke narrowed his eyes, but said nothing. ___

_Brett hit the lockers hard, his nostrils flaring. "Isn't it???" he demanded.___

_Luke began shaking, and gulped heavily. With a deep breath, he pushed Brett away. "What I am is none of your business."___

_Brett glared at him and sneered again. "I'm right, aren't I? You are a fucking fag, and you want Mayer. Right…?"___

_Luke opened his mouth, only to be interrupted.___

_"Don't bother lying. The entire team has seen you looking at Mayer at least once. We all know, except Mayer. And you know what? He's not going to find out." He stepped closer, his hands lifting to press Luke against his locker. ___

_"You're gonna keep your fagot eyes off of him, alright. We don't need people spreading crap about you and him. It's bad for him, and bad for the team. Understand?"___

_Luke glared at him and his lips formed a thin line. ___

_Brett sneered again, and nodded. "Good. You just get over this little gay crush of yours, and everything will be A-Okay." He patted Luke's cheek before pushing his way down the hall.___

_Luke could only stand shaking at his locker, trying to grab hold of what had just happened.__  
__**  
**_**_They knew…_**_****_

**_People knew…_**_****_

**_He had never told anyone, but they still knew…_**__

_With his heart beating crazily, Luke finally picked his books up and shoved them into his locker.___

_And on shaky legs, he went to his class._

__

* * *

__

_Everything should have been fine after that, but to Luke's disappointment, everything only got worse. Since Luke had unofficially admitted he was gay, Noah's friends used every opportunity to torment him, whether it was knocking his books out of his hands, pushing him against lockers, or writing him notes that spelt out the word FAG. They were careful to do it when Noah wasn't around, and that meant that whenever Luke spotted Noah, he was already feeling terrible, wanting so badly to scream and punch them, but not wanting to hurt one of Noah's friends. He didn't want to do anything that could make Noah hate him.___

_So instead, he chose to take every hit against him with his head held high._

* * *

_  
__Now that Luke thought about it, maybe it had all really started with the letter; a simple, innocent love letter that Noah had received one day in early January.___

_Rumors about who it was from began spreading, and Luke listened to each one of them with a heavy heart. He could feel Noah drifting farther and farther away from him with every rumor, and his dream of one day talking to Noah quickly became just that; a dream.___

_He still continued to watch Noah, though much more cautiously than before.___

_It was all he could do._

* * *

Luke took a deep breath and wrapped his blanket tighter around himself. He could feel Linda still staring at him, waiting patiently for him to continue. After a moment, he glanced up at her.

She was sitting near him on the couch, wearing one of his old sweatshirts and a ratty pair of sweatpants. In her hands, she held a warm cup of coffee which she was slowly stirring with a spoon. Her eyes met his, and she smiled gently.  
"Do you need a break, Luke?"

Luke nodded, and curled deeper into the couch.

Linda watched him for a beat before placing her cup on the table and standing up. "How about I go get us a snack? You in the mood for some ice cream?"

Luke smiled and nodded.

She rubbed Luke's knee before making her way to the kitchen.

Luke watched her leave, and then collapsed back onto the couch. There was something absolutely exhausting about this that left Luke feeling drained. And if he was feeling this tired already, then how was he going to be able to say the next part? How in the world could he say those words aloud? Especially since back then, it had been so much easier for him to try to ignore what happened, putting it out his head. He had felt that by doing this, his wound would eventually seal itself shut. But he'd found that with every attempt to ignore with what happened, his wound deepened. And now, years later, the only way to finally close it was by talking about it; right? So no matter how hard the next part was to relive, he would push through, and say every single word. No matter how much it hurt.

Linda reentered the living room, two small cups in her hands. "Thank the Lord you had mint chocolate chip in there. It's like eating heaven!" She gave one to Luke and dropped to the couch, sitting cross-legged.

After taking a mouthful of her ice cream, she looked at Luke. "Is this easier then you thought it'd be?"

Luke placed his untouched dessert on the table. "A little bit, but…"

He let his unfinished sentence dangle in the air. He watched Linda take another mouthful before placing her cup on the table.

"Luke, if you want to stop for today, then I really don't mind. There's no rush."

Luke chuckled softly. "You sound like a therapist…"

"Isn't that what I am right now?"

"No…not really. You're my closest friend. And that's the only reason I'm telling you this, all of this. I don't think I could say it to some stranger. And it's because I trust you, that I'm telling you the rest."

For a while, Linda sat staring at him. Finally, she nodded and shifted closer. "Then…do you want to keep going."

Luke swallowed thickly, and nodded.

With a deep breath, he opened his mouth.

And continued speaking.


	13. Chapter 13

_A couple weeks after Noah received the letter, Luke had to stay after to make up a gym class. All he was required to do was work out in the life fitness room, and he did it to his fullest extent. Afterwards, with sweat making his clothes cling to his skin, he left for the locker room. It had been nearly empty, and he ended up being the last one left in the locker room.___

_He'd just finished changing, and turned around to find Brett staring right at him, three of his friends by his side. Luke gulped, and grabbed his bag. ___

_Brett stepped closer and Luke flinched. ___

_"What's wrong, Snyder?" Brett gave his infamous sneer and took another step closer. "Don't tell me you're scared of me."___

_Luke clenched his jaw. "I'm not scared of anyone."___

_Brett chuckled, which prompted his friends to start laughing too. "Really now, Snyder?"___

_He stepped even closer, until he was inches away from Luke, close enough to breathe right into Luke's face. "I'm not happy, Snyder. You wanna ask me why?"___

_Luke narrowed his eyes. "Not really."___

_Suddenly, Brett grabbed Luke's arms, squeezing them tightly. "Then I'll tell you why. You didn't listen to me. I told you to keep your eyes off Noah, but you didn't listen, now did you?" ___

_Luke breathed heavily through his nose and turned his head.___

_Brett shook his arms. "Did you???" ___

_Luke gulped, swallowing his pride. "No…" he whispered.___

_Brett squeezed his arms tighter. "Guess what, Snyder? People are talking now. Some are even saying that you wrote him that letter. And I wouldn't be surprised if you did."___

_Luke struggled to wrench out of Brett's grip. After a moment, he paused and settled for glaring at him. "First of all; I didn't write it. Second of all; why do you care so much? Why does it matter to you?"___

_Brett said nothing, his eyes meeting and locking with Luke's. His grip on Luke tightened. And Luke squinted as realization dawned on him. "Don't tell me…you have some sort of crush on him? Maybe all of you guys do, and that's why you're here trying to—"___

_A punch in the stomach silenced him, and he keeled over, falling slightly into Brett. "Wrong move, Snyder. Wrong move."___

_Suddenly, Luke was being pushed to his knees, two of Brett's friends holding his arm. He began thrashing and punching his arms, anything to get the guys off him. But they gripped his arms tighter, stopping Luke's movement. After a beat, Brett leaned down to Luke's height, glaring at him through stone-hard blue eyes- eyes that were a shade lighter than Noah's, and far colder.__  
__"You scared now, Snyder?" Brett whispered with venom.___

_Luke breathed heavily, desperately willing his body to stop shaking, and desperately willing to wake up from this nightmare. But the rapid beating of his heart served as a vital reminder that he was awake. Awake, breathing, and trapped. And all of that was making him scared. ___

_Undeniably scared. ___

_"Let me go," Luke demanded, gathering as much courage as he could.___

_Brett said nothing, instead sliding his hand under Luke's shirt. A grimy, cold, and callused hand that made Luke's eyes tear up. "Stop; don't touch me!" he shouted. In a frantic attempt to break free, he started thrashing again.___

_Again, his movement was stopped by Brett, who grinned in triumph. "What's wrong, Snyder? You don't like it?" ___

_Luke looked away and tried to control his breathing. "Why are you doing this?"___

_Brett pinched Luke's leg through his jeans and Luke flinched in pain. "Because I can. You'd like it if Noah was doing this." ___

_Luke's mouth dropped open and he turned back towards Brett. "That's not true—"___

_"—just admit it, Snyder! You're a fag, and you want Noah to fuck you so bad. That's why you can't stop looking at him. Right?"___

_Luke's heart was beating even more uncontrollably and he felt tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. "Just stop, and let me go!"___

_Brett stared at him for a beat and then reached down to Luke's jeans, quickly undoing the first button. Luke opened his mouth and began shouting for help, but one of Brett's friends quickly clamped his hand over Luke's mouth.___

_"You try that again, and you're a dead man." Brett glared at him. "Now, let's try this again. Are you gay, Snyder?"___

_Luke could feel the bodies behind him, ready to attack if he made a move to escape and, feeling defeated, tears began running down his face. Choking up his dignity, he shut his eyes tight and nodded.___

_Brett sneered again and patted Luke's cheek. "There we go. Now, tell me. Do you like Mayer?"___

_Another nod and more tears were his answer.___

_Satisfied, Brett slipped his hand under Luke's shirt again. "And do you want Mayer to fuck you?"___

_Luke's body shook tremendously and he found himself wishing someone would come and save him. He didn't care how weak it would make him feel; he just needed to get away from here. ___

_Far and far away…___

_With a heavy gulp, he opened his eyes and nodded slowly.___

_Brett let out a loud laugh, and then shook his head. "What a fag! What kind of a fucking weirdo wants things shoved up his ass?!"___

_His friends began laughing too, and Luke felt an anger bubbling deep inside him. He bit the hand on top of his mouth, and began shouting for help when he was free to talk. Another hand quickly slapped onto his mouth, and he looked up to find Brett glaring at him heatedly. ___

_"What the fuck did I did tell you?" He angrily shook his head, spit flying out with every livid word. "You don't know how to fucking listen do you?!"___

_Luke shook his head in apology, more tears making trails down his face.___

_"You're acting like you hate this so much…face it, you wouldn't mind if we all fucked you." ___

_Luke's heart stopped in terror and he struggled again to break free. He was pushed to the ground, the arms still holding him down, and Brett's other friend holding his legs tightly; in case he tried kicking. Brett nodded at him and the friend quickly stepped aside. Brett shoved Luke's legs apart and moved until he was between them, and Luke felt his will to fight dying; dying along with so many other things. ___

_"Admit it Snyder, you don't care whose dick it is, so long as …you fags are all the same. Every single freaking one of you."___

_The hands were removed from Luke's mouth and his jeans were quickly slipped off, along with his underwear. His muffled cries sounded painful to his own ears and he wished again that someone would come.___

_This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. It was supposed to happen with flowers and music, and the sweetest aroma ever; not with pale green lockers surrounding him and the husky smell of sweat. And definitely not with people who found joy in seeing him cry.___

_Absolutely not.___

_His eyes shut tight, and he tried to ignore the hands that spread his legs wide apart. He tried to ignore the thing that was pressing against his hole; forcing itself in, despite the tightness, despite the resistance. And he tried his hardest to ignore the feeling of being ripped open, the feeling of something breaking inside him. And maybe he was breaking. Maybe he was already broken.___

_The body inside him began thrusting in and out, and stray fingers lifted his shirt, pulling and tugging at the skin. Luke felt more tears slip out of the corner of his eyes; felt the arms holding his arms tightening, squeezing until he thought they would break. If he was lucky, maybe they would, and his blood would drench them, all of them, and stain them forever. The same way he was stained.___

_There was no way to clean this, was there? No way to clean himself. But if he survived this, if he somehow escaped this hell, then he would try. He would scrub himself until his body turned red and his eyes burned from soap. And then he would look in the mirror with pride.___

_But as Luke felt something warm spilling inside him, he found himself wondering why. Why this happened to him, why anyone would do this in the first place, and why no one came to save him. ___

_Why?___

_His eyes opened slowly, and his head fell to the side. His gaze fell forward and, just beyond Brett's body, he could see a tall, lean figure standing in the doorway of the locker room, watching them. And Luke's heart stopped again as he realized who it was.___

_Noah…___

_Noah, with his eyes that had always been watching Luke.___

_Noah, with his gentle disposition and love of photography.___

_Noah, who Luke had been watching for over a year. ___

_Noah, staring at him with wide eyes, his mouth slightly agape. ___

_Noah, with his brilliant blue eyes, quickly scanning the scene before him. And Noah, noticeably gulping as he slipped out the door.___

_Noah, who Luke felt slipping between his fingers, like sand. And the wind was blowing him away, far and far away. And Luke wouldn't be able to get him back. ___

_He felt another body slipping inside him, felt it start moving. And Luke gave up, letting his mind float away. He was still hoping that Noah might come back, but as seconds faded into minutes, Luke realized that Noah wouldn't come. No matter how much he wished Noah would save him, no matter how much he wished Noah would push them all away and finally touch Luke, Noah wouldn't come. And Luke could only wonder if he'd been mistaken; if all along, those blue eyes had been glaring at him, never just staring. ___

_And as he felt himself being violated repeatedly, he found that that thought was the only one that made sense.___

_Noah had seen Luke being violated, and done absolutely nothing.___

_And now, Noah was gone.___

_And so was Luke._

* * *

Luke sat shaking on the couch, his tears threatening again to fall. He didn't want to meet Linda's gaze, didn't want to see the pity there. For a long time, the two sat on the couch in silence, their unfinished ice cream melting into liquid.

Finally, Linda shifted and moved closer. "Luke…? Are you okay?"

He slowly lifted his head, and seeing Linda's concerned face, gave a slight nod. She stared at him, before moving even closer.

"I-I want to say sorry, but I don't think that'll fix anything, will it?"

Luke shook his head, and wrapped his blanket tighter around his body. "It…it's not your fault anyway," he said with a sniffle.

Linda nodded, and then took a deep shaky breath before speaking again.

"I-I know that was really hard for you. And I—I can't even imagine going through that. You guys have both had it so—"

"Guys?" Luke's eyebrows crinkled in confusion. "Please don't tell me you mean…Noah?"

Linda bit her lip, and tentatively placed a hand on Luke's knee. "I know it's hard to believe, but Noah—"

"—Noah didn't go through what _I_ did that day."

For a moment, Linda just stared at him. "You don't know what he's gone through, Luke."

Luke looked away, wrapping his blanket tighter, as if it could act as a shield.

Linda removed her hand, crossed her arms across her chest. "You…you blame him."

"I never said—"

"You didn't have to, Luke! You've spent the last something years suffering from this, wishing it didn't happen, and I bet that during _all _that time…you blamed him."

Luke began shaking again, and he leaned forward. "Alright, maybe I do blame him. But he-he could have said something Linda, anything, to make them stop. I just wanted them to stop…" he paused, tears raining down his face again. "But he just stared at me, like I was this, this disgusting—"

"—he was scared!" Linda near shouted.

"How do you think _I_ felt?!" Luke threw his blanket off, letting it slide onto the floor. "You have no idea what they took away from me that day, Linda! I never even got it back …Even now; it's still a big stupid hole that I can't close…no matter how hard I try."

He looked at Linda to find tears streaming down her face too, and for a second he felt guilty for yelling at her, but he gulped it down and continued talking. "Do you want to know how I spend my Fridays? Do you?"

She pulled her knees to her chest, shaking her head vigorously.

"I go to a bar, get so drunk that I can't even stand, and then have sex with random strangers. Every single Friday…" He wiped his face and then crossed his arms tightly. "I wake up feeling like absolute shit, every single time, but I can't stop…"

"…That—that's not Noah's fault," Linda whispered rashly. "You—you want to blame him, Luke. You wanted him to help you, and when he didn't, you decided to blame him…_for everything_. And that's not fair to Noah."

"Not fair? What's not fair is—"

"Luke! Stop. He hates himself for it, okay?! He hates himself for leaving you there, for not helping you, for not talking to you before, but he was scared…you have no idea just how much…" She turned to Luke, her eyes glistening with tears. "Do you still wanna hear his side?"

Luke stared at her, and his mouth dropped open before closing again. He shook his head.

"…Why?"

"I-I don't know…I just can't."

Linda nodded before slowly standing up. "I understand. You want to keep blaming him, and you're afraid that if you hear his side, you might forgive him…and you don't want that, do you?"

Luke's eyes widened in shock, and he quickly glanced down.

"…Luke, I'm so sorry this all happened, don't get me wrong, but you're blaming the wrong person.** Noah** didn't hold you down. Those low-lives did."

"I-I know that, but Noah—"

"—was scared. He was _so scared_, Luke. Maybe someday you'll understand how much."

She picked the bowls up from the table, started walking towards the kitchen. Just before leaving the room, she turned around. "I-I want to tell you Noah's side, but you're obviously not ready. And when you are, maybe it would even be better to hear it from Noah. I just hope…that day is soon; for you _and_ Noah." With those words, she left for the kitchen, leaving Luke alone in the empty room.

He stared at his beige curtains until the sight became distorted and hazy, and his head began spinning. After another moment, he leaned down and picked up his blanket, tiredly placing it on the couch. With a heavy breath, he wiped his remaining tears before lying down. His eyes shut tight, and he curled up like a small child afraid of monsters. Except it wasn't monsters he was afraid of, or even a person for that matter. He was afraid of the growing heaviness in his chest; feared what it meant, what it represented. But even as he slowly began drifting into sleep, he realized what the feeling was.

It was disappointment; he just wasn't sure what it was for, or whom. But he did know one thing.

Linda was right.

And he hated it when she was right.

Absolutely hated it.


	14. Chapter 14

_His eyes were blue.___

_That was the first thing she noticed about him.___

_That and the fact that he was one of the most gorgeous men she'd ever laid eyes on; tall, with a sophisticated air about him, and eyes that held a depth beyond her sight. ___

_So many emotions ran through them, colliding frequently with each other and causing the man to ramble incoherently. But as the man desperately grabbed Linda's arm—shaking uncontrollably—she finally saw one emotion clearly, above all the rest. It became even more clear as he began talking, his mouth moving rapidly, probably as rapid as his heart.___

_And strangely enough; it was heartbreak.___

_And so many times during his story, he looked like he really wanted to break down and cry, maybe even scream at the unfairness of the world that had been made for him. When he finally did break down, it was as if something that had long ago shattered in him exploded, and Linda grabbed him a napkin before helping him calm down. For a while, it worked. He slowly began talking again, his voice rising and falling along with his mood.___

_And when he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a photo, Linda's mouth dropped in shock. And as he began crying again, that one emotion revealed itself again. And Linda could feel it radiating right off him, begging her tears to fall as well. ___

_And they did.___

_Probably harder than his.__  
_  
Linda pulled up the sleeves of her sweatshirt before stuffing the dirty dishes into Luke's dishwasher. With a sigh, she slowly opened the blinds, looking out into the night.

Snow was gently falling from the cloudless sky, and for a moment she stood marveling in its serenity; it's absolute beauty. It almost seemed like each snowflake was moving to its own music, with its own intricate dance. They fell to the ground silently, piling on each other until the grass strands were nearly all covered. And as always, Linda found herself feeling happy that the arrival of snow meant Christmas was coming, yet disappointed that it would be months before the grass could shine again in all its glory. The only ways the grass could be seen now was through some form of heat, melting away each frozen raindrop.  
_  
__But just what has that kind of strength?_

She placed her hands on the kitchen sink, bending over it as her eyes filled with water.

_What the hell has that kind of strength?_

Her tears fell, breaking into splats of water as they hit the sink. She began shaking, and placed her palm over her mouth in a vain attempt to quiet her sobs.

In her mind, she kept picturing a broken Luke, a broken Noah, and all the unsaid words left between them. It had all caused a wound that was deep; a wound that had deepened over the years, and was now maybe too deep for even Linda to fix. And all her life, she'd been the one who set her friends on dates, helped them through their rough patches, and held them when everything was over. She was the problem solver, the go-to-girl with all the answers and a brazen attitude to match. But this…she didn't understand this; she couldn't.

Things like this weren't supposed to happen to good people; especially not people like Luke. Luke was someone who went out of his way to make others happy, sometimes even sacrificing his own time and emotions. And that had always made Linda's heart thump with disbelief that she'd met him. She still remembered the first time she'd seen him, about three years ago. He'd been sitting in an empty classroom, just staring out into space. His eyes had had a glassy look to them, as if his mind was somewhere else, and what he was seeing was even farther away.

And at that instant…Linda had fallen for him.

And every year, with every tidbit she learned about Luke—whether it was about his family or any old friends— she found herself falling even harder for him. When Luke finally admitted he was gay, after countless attempts to flirt with him, she realized nothing would ever happen between them, but she still decided that she would do everything in her power to prevent Luke from getting that glassy look in his eyes again.

_No matter what…_

With a shaky breath, she finally wiped her face and walked back towards the living room. From a distance, she could see Luke curled on the couch, and she slowly walked towards him.

In his spot, he seemed so innocent, with eyes that kept fluttering with dreams and lips that were slightly moving. She knelt down, and with shaking fingers, stroked the side of Luke's face. He murmured and turned his face. And then, he quietly whispered a single word that broke Linda in every way possible.

"Noah…"

She watched as his eyes squeezed together even tighter, and his fingers grasped at the blanket under his head. "Noah…"

She tenderly touched his face again, and he whimpered. "Noah, please…"

She gulped thickly, and withdrew her fingers. Slowly, Luke's eyes opened and he blinked the sleep away before meeting Linda's gaze. For a long time, they simply stared at each other. The only sound in the quiet of the room was distinct heavy breathing. Finally, Luke's mouth opened and he struggled to get his words out.

"Linda…? I-I can't forgive him." He slowly sat up and sat cross legged. "I want to, I really do, but I…I just dreamt about him. I didn't even want to dream; I just wanted to sleep and see nothing. Absolutely nothing. But instead, I saw him. And for a moment, I was really happy. I was Linda, I really was. But then, my heart started hurting so bad, and I started bleeding everywhere, and it all just felt so real…" he paused and took a deep, gasping breath. "And Linda, I can't forgive him if I bleed every time I think about him. I just can't…"

Tears gathered at the corner of his eyes, threatening to fall against his wishes.

"I'm sorry, Linda…"

"Don't be Luke." She shook her head and gently rubbed Luke's knee.

She sat next to him on the couch; let him lay his head on her shoulder. "Don't be…"

As minutes faded into an hour and Luke was lulled back to sleep, Linda gradually found herself thinking about bits and pieces of her day; Noah and the picture he'd shown her; how pained he'd looked at the time. She thought of Luke now, still broken, still waiting for that moment when he'd realize that he was whole again. And then, she wondered what could fix this. What could possibly fix them; all of them and make them whole again.

_Were any of us ever whole to begin with? ___

_Because I know I wasn't…_

And for some reason, in the quiet of the room, she found herself thinking of the snow outside, still growing in size with every passing second. And like a smack in the face, she realized what the snow needed. What Luke and Noah, and maybe even she needed. And it was something that was stronger than all of them, something that had the strength to repair all this preconceived irreparable damage.

**_The sun…_**_****_

**_We all need some sort of sun…_**_****_

**_To melt away this snow…_**_****_

**_Melt away this pain…_**_****_

**_And save us…_**


	15. Chapter 15

_For two years, Luke tried to pretend that it hadn't happened. He thought that by doing that, the memory would leave his head altogether. But every night the memory came back with vengeance, and one night, he woke up with sweat dripping down his face and his heart beating uncontrollably. Slowly, he lifted himself up and turned until his feet dangled off the edge. For a moment, he sat in the disturbing silence of his room, wondering if what had happened That Day could be considered murder.___

_And he decided that in a way, it could.___

_Unable to sleep any longer, he threw his covers off and haphazardly put on a pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt. Sneaking down the stairs, he was careful not to make a sound and wake up his family. He took his father's car keys from a hook near the door and slipped out the car.___

_He drove with no destination in mind, no actual thought process except getting away. ___

_Far and far away…___

_Finally, when he felt like he was far enough, he slowed down to admire the many trees he passed and the empty road in front of him. At this time at night, he felt like he truly was the only person in the world. And that was alright with him. It really was.___

_He ended up driving until sometime past two a.m., and found himself near some deserted meadow. He parked in the side of the road and turned his ignition off. His head leaned down until it touched the steering wheel. At this time, the only sounds outside were the sounds of bugs whirling around, crickets making their signature clamor, and the occasional sound of a car speeding past.___

_He sat there for so long, counting every bit of noise he heard, whether it was a frog or a car driving by. Eventually, he lost track of time and when he finally turned on the car again, he read that it was past three a.m. With a sigh, he put the car into reverse and turned the wheel.___

_And finally, he drove home._

Luke gulped.

He was actually scared.

Normally, he was drunk so that he wouldn't feel anything, but he hadn't wanted to drink this time. He couldn't get himself to drink even the tiniest sip. And now, he was paying for it by being wide awake through his mistake.

It had started innocently enough. The man had sat next to Luke in the bar, and quickly began chatting about setting his best friend up on a date. The conversation had somehow moved from there to music, to favorite desserts, and then finally, the conversation moved from the stool to a bathroom stall, and the two had been locked in one of the messiest and wettest kisses Luke had ever had. The man's hands continually tried shoving into Luke's pants, only to be thwarted away.

Now, the man was staring down at Luke like he was lion that had just been awoken from a nap; a lion that hadn't eaten in days. The man had the darkest pair of eyes Luke had ever seen. Black, shaggy hair fell into them, and his five-o-clock shadow gave him an almost sinister look. And all of that, combined with the tight grip he had on Luke's arms, filled Luke him with fear. Fear and guilt that he'd gone behind Linda's back.

The man leaned forward, capturing Luke's reluctant lips in another awkward kiss. Luke pushed against the man's chest, but he refused to budge, acting so much like an unyielding boulder. And his strength made Luke want to give in. He really, really wanted to give in. But if he did, he knew the many consequences that would result; his aching heart, his aching ass, and the most important; Linda's angry face. He wasn't supposed to be here. He had promised Linda that he would stop doing this, stop going out just to break even more. And he had been really intent on keeping his promise. But it had been over three weeks since he had done anything; two weeks since he'd re-met Noah, and a combination of the two filled him with a lost and empty feeling that he needed to get rid of. And this was the only way to do that, right?  
_  
__It is for someone like me…___

_But for some reason, this just doesn't feel right…___

_It doesn't feel right at all…_

The man shoved Luke hard against the wall of the stall. He leaned down, attacking the bottom of Luke's ears, and made his way down to Luke's collarbone. When Luke attempted to push him away again, he grabbed Luke's wrists and squeezed them tightly.

"What kind of fucking game are you trying to play?" His eyes squinted, and he squeezed Luke's wrists tight again.

Luke gulped, and turned his head. "It-it's not a game. I just…don't think I want to anymore."

The man chuckled. "You've gotta be shitting me. Minutes ago you were all over me, and now you're telling me you 'don't want to anymore.' Is that how it is for you? You call all the shots?" He leaned down again, biting Luke's shoulder through his shirt. "What if I still want to?"

He let go of Luke's wrists, and slid his hands under Luke's shirt. They pulled at Luke's nipples, teasing until Luke cried out in both pain and pleasure. He wished he could do it; just let himself enjoy this one moment, become Just Mark. Why couldn't he become Just Mark?

The man pulled Luke's shirt up, kissed his way up Luke's chest; leaving behind wet kiss marks. He licked at Luke's chest, and when he reached Luke's nipples, took them between his teeth.

Luke bit his lip and wondered why he couldn't enjoy this. Why this felt so much more like punishment than pleasure. If he was drunk and Just Mark, he'd be able to give in to this. He wasn't drunk, but he could at least transform into Just Mark, but something was holding him back.  
But what was it?

_Maybe…maybe it's the fact that I'm really Luke Snyder.___

_That's who I used to be, and that's who I am right now…___

_Who I always will be…_

"Stop!" Luke finally shouted. His eyes welled up and he attempted again to push the man off him. "Stop it, please!"

The man glared at him and backed up. "What the fuck's your problem?"

Luke crossed his arms across his chest and gulped, wanting desperately to remove the lump in his throat. "It doesn't feel right."

"_What_ doesn't?"

"_This_. Doing this, it just-it doesn't feel right."

"…You've gotta be shitting me. You've really gotta be shitting me. I come here tonight thinking I'm gonna get laid, and I find you; fucking hot as hell, and you don't want to?" The man shook his head angrily. "You've gotta be shitting me."

"I'm sorry…I really am, but…I thought this was what I wanted, what I needed. But I just-I've always known that it doesn't fix anything; if anything it makes everything worse. But I wanted to believe so badly that it could fix things..." He paused, and wiped away the tears that ran down his face.  
_  
__Just how long are you gonna cry about it?___

_And just what the fuck is crying going to do?___

_It won't fix anything.___

_None of this will…_

He hugged himself even tighter, and found himself thinking of Linda. Strong Linda, who would never resort to something like giving herself away to people she didn't care about. Especially in dirty, unsanitary bars filled with sex-hungry men who went through people like wildfire.

He thought of his family back at the farm; his parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles; everyone; just what would they all think if they saw him like this? Would they still accept him as their beloved Luke? Their Luke who used to spend hours filling journals with his thoughts and dreams; would they accept who that little boy had become?

He thought of Santa and God, two people so admired and appreciated in the community. If the two really were real, what would _they_ think? Would they be disgusted at Luke's lack of self-care? Or would they be filled with pity? Would God decide to ignore Luke's pleas for help, leaving him to drown in his own mistakes? Would Santa decide to give Luke coal for the rest of his life?

With a heavy gulp, he finally allowed himself to think of the one image that could make his knees weak and his heart cry; an image that he had been unable to stop thinking about for the past two weeks, ever since they had reentered his life.

And they were blue eyes; beautiful, Godforsaken blue eyes.

_Just what would they think of this?___

_Because something tells me that they would cry along with me._

He finally looked up, meeting the man's gaze. The man was still staring at him with hunger, lust filled eyes. But Luke ignored them, taking a brave step forward. "I-I can't lie to myself anymore. Not about this…"

He thought of strong arms, a camera that was taken everywhere, and a quarterback with undeniable charm. And he wondered if it was possible to press the rewind button, to relive the last few years of his life, minus his mistakes. But in his heart and mind, he knew that that wasn't an option. It never was.

And with that thought, he took another step forward. "Not about anything."

For a moment, the man stood staring at him with his dark eyes. Finally, he lifted an arm and hit the stall hard. "I have no idea what you're talking about. But, you're an interesting one. I'm pretty tempted to just rip off your clothes and have you anyway…"

Luke shuddered and turned his head again. The man stepped closer, touched Luke's cheek lightly. "…But I won't."

With a shake of his head, he slowly turned and walked out the stall. "See ya around, Blondie! Gonna go get laid!" He shouted as he opened the bathroom door.

Luke could only stand in the stall; shocked and breathing heavily.

Was this an omen?

Normally when he refused, the men continued anyway, fucking Luke until he cried out and clutched at anything he could reach. But this man, this one man, was the first to ever let Luke off the hook; the first to ever walk away from Luke with no knowledge of what was beneath his pants, what lay between his legs. And that fact alone made Luke's knees shake with disbelief. He slowly slid down the wall, collapsing on the floor. He could distinctly make out the sound of techno music thumping, and people shouting along in glee.

Maybe that man was one of them.

And if things were different, Luke could have been one of them too.

He sighed deeply and finally heaved himself off the floor. He had two choices for where he could go next. One of them involved going to an empty house where no one awaited him. The other involved a bit of courage on his part. But as he looked at the address on his cell phone, his lips twitched into a smile because it was the only place that made sense.

With that thought, he hurried out of the bar and into his car.

***

He practically ran out of his car the second he parked in the driveway. The house was just like he'd always imagined; small, nice, and at this time of year, surrounded by bright trees that lit up the otherwise lifeless neighborhood. The shudders just happened to be painted orange with red stripes; a color that suited the owner perfectly. He could see through one of the windows downstairs that her lights were on, which he took as a sign that she was still awake. Things had been awkward for the past week, but he needed to see her, needed to talk to her.

He ran to the front door and rang the bell three times. Impatiently, he stood waiting until he heard the door being unlocked. Linda opened the door wide, clad in a furry pink bathroom and matching slippers.

"Luke?" Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and she wrapped her bathroom tighter around herself. "Not that I'm not ecstatic to see you, but…what the hell are you doing here?"

Luke smiled sadly and took a step closer. "I couldn't do it."

"What-what are you talking about?"

"I-I went to a bar, right? And I wanted to drink, but I couldn't do that. And then I tried to have sex with this guy that looked like a convict, but I couldn't do that either…"

Linda cocked her head, and slowly her lips broke into a small grin.

"Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. I don't think I can do it anymore. "

Linda shook her head, and threw her arms around him in a tight hug. "I'm proud of you, Luke. Really, really proud of you." She pulled away and patted Luke's cheek a couple times. "What do you think happened?"

He bit his lip, gave a shrug. "I don't know, I guess I just-I couldn't see the point of it anymore; couldn't see the point of hurting myself."

Linda wordlessly nodded, and squeezed Luke's hands. "You're strong, Luke. Really, _really_ strong."

Luke shook his head. "If I was really strong, I would have figured this out a long time ago."

"Well, Luke. Some people never figure it out. Just remember that, okay?"

He stared at her for a beat before slowly nodding his head. She reached for his hands and squeezed them tightly. "You're freezing, Luke! Come in."

His mouth opened before closing again. "Actually, I- I was just gonna—"

"—Luke. Come in." When he stayed quiet, she sighed and pulled at his arms. "Please?"

He stared at the sprightly brunette. Normally, he would say no with an apologetic grin. Linda had invited him to her house often, and the answer had always been the same. But this time, he had come here on his own. She hadn't forced him, hadn't tricked him into it, and hadn't begged him to come.

_It was my choice.___

_And that has to mean something…right?_

He opened his mouth, closed it, and finally settled for a quietly murmured, "Okay…"

_Okay…___

_It's gonna be okay.___

_I'm one step closer to fixing this…___

_To fixing me…_


	16. Chapter 16

_One night, when Luke was a little over 18 years old, he again found himself unable to sleep, and slipped out of bed. This time though, he found himself at a bar with bright lights and men in tight clothes parading around it. His curiosity led him out the safety of his car and into the bar.___

_That night, he was hit on by three different men, and let another man blow him in the bathroom. It was confusing and hectic, and left Luke feeling like dirt, but for some reason, he had a slight notion that he would come back again. ___

_And he was right._

Luke looked around the living room. It was painted sky-blue, and filled with maroon and dark-blue colored furniture. On her walls hung dozens of pictures of who Luke assumed to be Linda's family, and in a small glass cabinet hung beaded jewelry and clay pots. Christmas music played from the speakers of her radio, and the home smelt of cinnamon candles and sugar cookies, adding to the overall homey feel of everything. It all just screamed Linda.

She returned to the room with a steaming cup of hot cocoa, and placed it on her marble table. "Thanks," he said softly. She smiled stiffly and sat down next to him on the couch. He noticed that she was grasping her cell phone tightly, and he couldn't help but wonder who she had been talking to. Quickly, he pushed it out of his mind. For a moment, they sat in silence, listening to the merry music that filled the air.

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas___

_Let your heart be light_

Finally, Linda let out a loud sigh. "It's in a week…" she said quietly.

Luke took a sip of his hot cocoa. "What, Christmas?

_From now on your troubles will be out of sight, yeah_

"Yeah…" her voice sounded almost sad, and she absentmindedly played with a long strand of hair. "Think everything will be okay by then?"

"What do you mean?"  
_  
__Have yourself a merry little Christmas___

_Make the Yuletide gay___

_From now on your troubles will be miles away, oh ooh_

She didn't answer and, after a while, turned to face Luke. "I have a sister who's 10 years older than me. When I was a little girl, she used to tell me how she hated Christmas because she never has anyone to celebrate it with. Even now…well, the point is, she's really lonely. I think I'll go spend Christmas with her."

"That's-that's great, Linda. You should do that."

She bit her lip. "But I won't go if everything isn't okay by then." She squeezed her cell phone, brought it to her mouth. "You want to close it, right?"

"Close what?"

"I mean, obviously you do; you just never knew how to start. But you figured out the first step today, Luke."

_Here we are as in olden days___

_Happy golden days of yore, ah__  
_  
"Linda…what are you—"

"—and I'm really proud of you, Luke. Believe me. You believe me, right?"

"Linda, I'm not sure I—"

"—But I want you to be okay already. I want to help you close it _as soon as_ possible. Just remember that, alright?"  
_  
__Faithful friends who are dear to us___

_They gather near to us, once more, ooh_

He sat staring at her, and opened his mouth to say something, only to be interrupted by the doorbell. She gave him a sad smile, and softly rubbed his knee before lifting off the couch.

"Who is that, Linda?"

_Through the years we all will be together___

_If the fates allow_

She didn't answer, and left to go answer the door. Luke could make out two voices; a manly one, and Linda's soft, bell-like voice. Was it one of Linda's ex-boyfriends? Or maybe it was her father, coming to visit before Christmas arrived. Or maybe it was…

Noah.

Noah fucking Mayer.

_And have yourself a merry little Christmas now…_

Linda stood with him in the space that led to the living room, clutching the man's arm tightly. Luke shot up, and suddenly felt a wave of dizziness and fear and anger, all at once.

Linda rushed to his side and grabbed his arms. "Please don't be mad, Luke. Please don't…"

Luke took a few deep breaths before he felt ready to answer her. "What the hell is this, Linda?"

"You're the one who told me that you wanted to get better. And you won't get better until you can face this, head to head. If you don't, you'll never get over it, and it's gonna keep torturing you. So please…be brave, and take that last stupid step already. You guys have waited long enough." She sniffed, and turned to walk away. Squeezing past Noah, she turned around to say one last thing.

"Close the wound, Luke. Close it or it'll keep getting bigger." She met Noah's gaze too, letting him know those words were for _both_ of them. And with those final words, she left for her room. Luke heard her door shutting, and took it as a sign that she didn't plan to intervene. It would just be him, and Noah.

Alone.

He lowered his eyes to the carpet, listened as the radio skipped to the next song.  
_  
__I don't want a lot for Christmas___

_There is just one thing I need___

_I don't care about the presents___

_Underneath the Christmas tree___

_I just want you for my own_

Hesitantly, he looked up to find Noah staring directly at him.

Staring, with his short hair slightly tousled, and his jacket open to reveal his light blue shirt underneath.

A shirt that brought out his beautiful blue eyes.

_His beautiful, Godforsaken blue eyes._

**

_Noah ran, dizzy with confusion and blind from unshed tears. ___

_What the hell did I just see?___

_What the hell was that?___

_Luke…and Brett, and the guys…___

_They were…___

_He couldn't finish the thought, and shook his head angrily. He ran until he found himself at the park. Small children were running around, playing tag, and swinging on the swing set. For a moment, he stood watching them, tears running down his face and an immense urge to throw up his breakfast and lunch. He wiped at his face, only to leave huge wet marks on his cheek.___

_The wind was blowing softly, and when he shut his eyes, he felt his soul slowly rising out of his body. Higher and higher, until he was far away from this horrible planet, full of its horrible people. A tug on his jacket brought him back to earth. He looked to find a little boy holding his jacket sleeve.___

_"Are you alright mister? You was crying."___

_Noah stared at him for a while. He had rosy red cheeks, and his blond hair stuck out in odd directions. The little boy actually reminded him of someone, and that made Noah's heart pang with pain as the memories came flooding back, full force._  
_  
__Luke lying there, so vulnerable, so broken; his face red with embarrassment and twisted with agony; his eyes wide with shock as they met Noah's.___

_And Noah hadn't done anything to help him.___

_And now, it was too late.___

_Far, far too late…__  
_  
_He looked down at the little boy again, knelt down so they were at the same height. "I'm fine, thank you. Just fine."_

**

He was beautiful.

Maybe a little disheveled and panicked looking, but still ultimately beautiful.

His green sweater hugged his skin wondrously, and brought out the green flecks in his light brown eyes. And those gorgeous eyes were staring straight at him.  
_  
__More than you could ever know___

_Make my wish come true...___

_All I want for Christmas is ___

_You…_

Noah opened his mouth only to close it again. He thought back to earlier, when Linda called him and hurriedly whispered her plan. How urgent she sounded; how she had mentioned something about a sun and Luke; how his heart had nearly stopped at the thought of seeing Luke again; how he had nearly sped all the way to Linda's house. And how now, Luke was standing right in front of him, again. And again, he couldn't think of what to say. He didn't even know where to start.

_Close the wound…_

He took a hesitant step forward, watched the way Luke's eyes widened.

"I-I can't do this!" Luke said, shaking his head fervently. He tried to squeeze past Noah, but Noah grabbed his arms, held him in his place.  
_  
__How long are you gonna keep running from this?___

_From me…?_

"You think I _can_, Luke?" He paused, breathing heavily. "You honestly believe this is easier for me?"

Luke glared at him, but remained quiet.

_Talk, Noah; this is your chance to talk.___

_You guys are getting a second chance to get this right…to make amends.___

_If you weren't meant to be, this wouldn't be happening.___

_So talk…_

Noah gulped, took another step closer, and tried to control his voice that wanted to crack so badly. "This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, Luke. Believe me, I never imagined—"

"—that's sad," Luke interrupted with a shaky attempt at appearing nonchalant.

"What…Luke?"

"I mean, if this is the hardest thing you've ever done, your life's been pretty damn easy, hasn't it?"  
_  
__Luke, please don't do this…___

_Don't shut me out…___

_Linda told me you might do this…___

_But please don't…_

Noah stared at him, his eyebrows furrowing and his grip on Luke tightening. "Luke, don't twist my words."

_That's not what you want to say…___

_You want to tell him how you felt about him back then…___

_How you never saw anyone but him…___

_How much it means to finally see him again; to touch him.___

_What's holding you back?_

He watched the way Luke clenched his jaw, the way his lips twisted into a firm line. And his next words made Noah's heart struggle for air.

"Noah; don't tell me what to do."

**

He shoved Noah, tried to push past him again, only to have Noah tug his arm hard. He collapsed against Noah with a loud gasp. Again, he shoved him away.

"Why the hell are you here?" Luke screamed. "Why can't you just go away?"  
_  
__He won't go away…from your dreams, from your head, until you close it…___

_Close the wound, Luke…_

Tears gathered and threatened to fall down and reveal just how much it all hurt.

I guess I don't really know how to close it. I only know how to make it bigger…

"…Even-even back then…you were always there; watching me." He paused and crossed his arms tightly. "I mean, you were weren't you? It wasn't all just in my head, right?" The last part was said with a hint of hesitation and desperation, a combination that made Luke feel helpless.

Noah took a step closer. "Luke…I—"

"You what, Noah?"

"I-I…"

"You what, Noah?" Luke began shaking in both a fraught attempt to restrain himself and a sudden plethora of emotions.

_Why can't this be easier? ___

_Even him touching me…I can't stand it.___

_Every time it feels like my arm is on fire?___

_What'll put out the flame when it comes?__  
_  
He watched the way Noah's hands shook; the way he gulped; the way his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. And then he watched Noah stuff his hands into his pockets. "Maybe…maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe…I should just go."

Luke's mouth dropped in shock. "…I knew it. I knew it."  
_  
__Nothing's changed. Even back then, he could never say it.___

_He could never say anything…_

"Luke, I—"

"No, Noah; don't bother. You were a coward back then, and you're _still_ a coward now."

Luke turned to leave, but Noah caught his arm, shifted him around. "You're fucking confusing me, Luke! First you act like you can't even stand seeing me, then you act like you don't want me to leave, and I-I don't know what to do."

Noah took a deep breath. "I-just…I want...I want to…"

Luke shook his head. "Did Linda force you to do this? Because I don't need—"

"—she didn't Luke." He gulped heavily. "She only had to tell me once, and then I came on my own. _I came on my own_, okay?"

Their eyes met, and for a moment, Luke felt himself starting to relax. He slowly let his eyes fall to the carpet again. "…I-I don't know what to even say to you."

_How could you leave me there?___

_I wanted someone to save me.___

_I wanted you to save me…but you didn't._

Nothing sounded right, and Luke feverishly shook his head. "What the hell am I supposed to say?"

_Close the wound…___

_Or it'll keep getting bigger.__  
_  
For a moment, they stood in silence, the Christmas music still playing in the background.

_I don't want a lot for Christmas___

_This is all I'm asking for_

Noah took a hesitant step towards Luke. "…Yes," he said in a nearly breathless voice.

_I just want to see baby___

_Standing right outside my door___

_Oh I just want you for my own_

"Yes, what?"  
_  
__More than you could ever know___

_Make my wish come true___

_Baby all I want for Christmas is___

_You…_

"Yes, I was always watching you, alright? I never once stopped thinking about you…**_ever._**"  
_**  
**_**_You said it…you finally said it…_**


End file.
